RUMPOLE ON CHIEF JUDGE ELECTION
ELECTING A NEW CHIEF JUDGE (by Rumpole, June 6, 2007)
BROWARD STYLE.
The blog North of the Border details a contretemps that has broken out among the Judges North of the Border about how they will elect a new Chief Judge.
As a public service to our readers, we summarize the various plans below:
THE ROSS PLAN. The current chief Judge has plans to carry out the election of his successor in this manner: At a date, time, and location known only to him and a few select Judges, they will meet, and vote for a new chief judge. Majority rules. Responding to criticism, Ross downplayed the possibility his hand picked successor would be elected. "This is America" Ross drawled, "stealing elections away from the popular vote is as American as minimum mandatory sentences. We here in Florida know that better than most."
SURVIVOR. All candidates will be taken to a Latin America cafeteria on Calle Ocho. They must first order and eat breakfast. Then they must secure the check, pay for breakfast, hail a cab, and get to the Hialeah Branch Courthouse, where they will do a morning traffic calendar. Then they will be required to obtain transportation back to the Broward County Court house. Upon reaching the Courthouse North of the Border, they must scurry from courtroom to courtroom looking for a lawyer from Dade. First Judge to complete the challenges and hold a lawyer from Miami in contempt wins.
CELL PHONE SCRAMBLE. Judges will be stationed in Judge Illona Holmes courtroom. At varying intervals, lawyers and defendants will have their cell phones ring. The Judge who wrestles the most cell phones away from participants, win.
PAPAL POGROM
All the Judges of the Seventeenth Judicial Circuit will enter a "Judicial Conclave." They will be housed in a special wing of the Broward County Jail, called the "Broward County Basilica." No cell phones or contact with the outside world will be allowed. The Judges will meditate, pray, read the Florida Law Weekly, and listen to nominating speeches from judges advancing their own candidates. At any time, a Judge may call for a vote. The vote will be run by Judge Korda. If any candidate achieves a 2/3 vote plus one, Korda "will burn" specially treated "weed" that will emit a white, stickly sweet smelling smoke, announcing a winner. If no candidate gets the 2/3 vote plus one, Korda "will burn" a specially treated "weed" that emits a black smoke.
Upon the white smoke being seen, crowds will gather below the Broward County Jail "Basilica." Judge Ross will emerge with the new winner on a specially constructed balcony. Ross will ceremoniously hand over the chief judge’s gavel, and the new chief will wave the gavel over the admiring throng of lawyers that have gathered in the courtyard below the Basilica.
Rumpole says: whatever plan is chosen, given the current antics of our judicial friends North of the Border, the election should be fodder for bloggers. Based on the transgressions of their diversity committee (motto: "we few select special people meet in secret and decide your fate.") is there any chance our dimwitted cousins to the north will pull this off without a faux pas?
We think not.
See You in Court, waiting for the white smoke.
Hysterical!! Very well written and hits right between the eyes of the problem here in the 17th.
This will bring Miami to Broward faster. Thank you. We need the help fellas. Things are a mess.
THE SOUTH FLORIDA SOPRANOS
Ross: I’ve come to a decision. I’m gonna take that crew from the south out.
(turns to group of Judges sitting behind him.)
“Hey….get outta here. Scram. Now!!!.”
(Judges scatter away.)
Greene: I’m not saying I’m against it, but I have to counsel.
Ross. They gotta go. I should made the order when Weatherington retired. They're not a real family down there. They don’t have no respect for this thing of ours. When they make a Judge, there’s no blood, no sword or rifle on the table.
Spechler: It’s true. But take out a whole family. Marone.
Greene: Ain’t that a car dealership?
Ross. No that’s Maroone. Never mind I’m goona learn you a thing or three. 1) We take out the top leadership, Farina, Gordon, Simmons. Brown.
Spechler. Brown too? That Mortadella?
Greene: What? You were selling simple divorces outta the back of your crown vic before you became a member of the family.
Ross: Make it happen. I’m sick thinking of Farina calling me in friendship when I said I would resign.
I ain’t got no room for scraps in my scrap book. They’re gone. Make it happen.
B.S. on the phone again!
a much better idea is to have a creative "secret santa e mail contest".
All interested judges should come up with a clever e mail address and secretely contact as many public interest rights groups as possible with the hope of inflaming passion without reason.
OH YEAH, WE ALREADY HAD THIS CONTEST DIDN'T WE DIAZ. IT WOULD NOT BE FAIR NOW WOULD IT, BEING AS YOU ARE THE CREATIVE FORCE BEHIND SUCH A PERFECTLY REPUGNANT IDEA.
By the way, the e mail is purposly sent without an attached name, irony is quite a B... isn't it.
A great e mail name for Diaz should be, www.respectfully sir im denying your motion and not letting you make a record.com
Aleman would be. www.I need new gloves before i touch this plea form.com
Green would br. www. I really didnt know what I said was a racist comment even though I did not make up the saying and have been around for way too long.com
Feiner would be, www. get lee cohen down here now and get theses prosecutors out of my courtroom.com
As you can see, we have so many candidates and way too much time until elections.
We need more Southerns to help us Yankees. Come on up!